Watching Alien with an Alien
by Rift XIII
Summary: It's basically me watching, well, more like 'attempting to watch', the movie Alien with an Alien.


Rift: Yes, hello. I've decided to watch the movie _Alien_...with an Alien. And we will both provide some comments here and there.

Alien: You promised me popcorn, that's the only reason I'm here.

Rift: Um...okay? *hands over popcorn*

Alien: Of course, I might kill you too, I have the whole 'scary killer Alien' thing to uphold. It depends on how this goes.

Rift: No, you won't kill me.

Alien: And what makes you so sure of that?

Rift: You try anything and I'll start singing.

Alien: NO! NOT THAT! (yes, my singing voice is so bad it could be considered a lethal weapon)

Rift: Anyway, let's start the movie.

Alien: Aren't you supposed to have a disclaimer in here somewhere?

Rift: I planned on putting it at the bottom, but since you brought it up I'll just get it over with. *ahem* I do not own the rights to the movie _Alien._

Alien: She doesn't even own the movie, she just got it from the library.

Rift: .....

Alien: What? It's true.

Rift: *starts the movie*

Alien: Hey, when does the Alien in the movie show up?

Rift: Shhh!

Alien: Hmph.

Rift: Just be patient, all right?

Alien: But I'm getting bored of these humans piloting their spaceship...

Rift: Shut up and eat you popcorn.

Alien: *eating popcorn*

Rift: ....Does that second mouth/tongue thing in your mouth have a tongue also?

Alien: What?

Rift: Well, you have a mouth, but when you open it you have a second mouth/tongue. Does it just keep going like that? Mouth, mouth/tongue, mouth/tongue....

Alien: You don't make much sense..

Rift: Why thank you. Now, let's focus on the movie. Oh, look. The humans have desided to land and look for the origin of the 'strange transmission'.

Alien: NO! DON'T LEAVE THE SHIP!

Rift: Just whose side are you on?

Alien: Um...

Rift: Let's just keep watching the movie.

*both keep quiet until the scene with the eggs and the facehugger latching on to Kane's face*

Alein: IS THAT WHAT I LOOKED LIKE WHEN I WAS BORN?!

Rift: ...sort of.

Alien: So_ that's_ why I can't find any baby pictures in the family photo album.

Rift: You have a family photo album?!

Alien: Um...no. You were just hearing things again. Lay off the sugar and caffeine. And focus on the movie. That's why we're here.

Rift: Oh, right.

*currently watching the scene when Dallas and Ash attempt to remove the facehugger from Kane's face*

Alien: *sing-song voice* Not a good ideaaaa.

Rift: Could you do me a favor?

Alien: What?

Rift: Never, ever talk like that again.

Alien: Fine...meany.

Rift: You know, maybe this commentary with you wasn't a good idea. *pauses movie*

Alien: No! I'll be quiet, I promise! I need to know how the movie eeeeeeeends!

Rift: *un-pauses movie*

*chestburster scene*

Alien: May I say something?

Rift: *too focused on chestburster* So cute...

Alien: Hello?

Rift: Awww.... Lookit the widdle chestburster. *hits Alien's head with a spatula* Why can't you stay that cute forever?

Alien: Oww....where did you get that spatula?

Rift: I have no idea. Anyway, you wanted to say something?

Alien: Yes, but now I forgot...

Rift: On with the movie then!

Alien Insane lady...

Rift: You say something?

Alien: Um...no?

Rift: Hm...

*movie continues, crew is searching for the chestburster*

Alien: Oh, oh! Is it in the locker? Is it?

Rift: Shhh!

Alien: They're opening it! Ahhh! I can't look!

Rift: You know, you're a weird Alien. I thought you wanted to see the movie one, but you're freaking out.

Alien: I blame the popcorn...

Rift: .....whatever.

*finally, the scene with the full-grown Alien*

Alien: Hojeez, we look scary.

Rift: Hojeez, you is a bit scary.

Alien: Use proper grammar, Rifty.

Rift: DO NOT CALL ME RIFTY!

Alien: You're scarier than me when you're angry.

Rift: AND NO RHYMING!

Alien: Sorry, sorry.

*movie continues, Parker and Lambert go to gather coolant for the shuttle's life-support system*

Alien: They-

Rift: Are-

Alien and Rift: So dead.

Alien: Let's refrain from speaking in unison, it's weird.

Rift: Agreed. Oh, Ripley is looking for Jones!

Alien: Who?

Rift: The cat! Duh...

Alien: Oh. Why?

Rift: Because cats are awesome.

*Parker and Lambert are killed, Ripley activates the ship's self-destruct and races to the shuttle*

Alien: Dang, you humans sure seem to die a lot.

Rift: .....

Alien: .....

Rift: Don't get any ideas.

*movie continues*

Rift: I can't believe that she dropped the cat and ran! What a---

Alien: Now, now, just calm down. The Alien didn't do anything to Jones.

Rift: *mumbling angrily under her breath*

Alien: And she came back for the cat eventually. See? They're both on the shuttle.

*The _Nostromo_ explodes*

Rift: Pretty explosion!

Alien: It's like fireworks!

Rift: Only bigger!

*scene where Ripley harpoons the Alien and knocks it out of the shuttle*

Alien: That had to hurt...

Rift: Just wait...

*Alien is incinerated by shuttle engines*

Alien: HOLY---

Rift: SANDWICHES!

Alien: Holy sandwiches?

Rift: Exactly.

*credits start*

Rift: Well, that's the end of this movie.

Alien: I want to be here when you watch _Aliens_.

Rift: Of course. As soon as I find it at the library...

Alien: Cheapskate...

Rift: Well I only have five dollars to my name. Anyway...GOODBYE VIEWERS! Thank you for actually reading the whole thing. You all earned some holy sandwiches.


End file.
